My Love Affair with a Tub of Hair Gel

I could Kiehl's over and die.

So here's further proof that I'm definitely delusional: I can derive endless pleasure from the damnedest things. Like this tub of gel! Let's evaluate my love affair with this tub of gel, shall we?

About two weeks ago, at the top of Spring Break, my Mom and I ventured to the mall so that I could arm myself with some Spring Break necessities. You know, douchey v-necks, douchey black jeans, douchey black socks. After we paid for all of the Spring Break douche-weaponry, we bolted for the exited.

But sometimes I feel the impulse to impulse purchase something. Put differently, I feel an impulse to need to feel the need to purchase something impulsively. You following? Fortunately for my impulses, there happened to be a colossal Kiehl's display standing between the douche armory and the exit. Perfect, I totally need SPF and hair gel anyway.

So I start starring blankly at the mass of pleasantly bottled products until a sales lady approaches me. She asks me what I need like the champ she is. And I tell her in my Fine, I'll play the dumb customer sort of way that "I need something that will make my hair stay in certain positions." She immediately reaches for some standard tube of gel, but I immediately tell her it won't do because when I start sweating that particular gel seeps out of my hair and streams down my face. Somewhat disgusted, the sales lady reaches for the tub of gel shown above.

The sales lady tells me that the gel shown above, the malleable molding paste, if you will, isn't like normal gel. "It  molds your hair, but the hold doesn't really stick, it sort of just guides your hair, but it isn't really gel." I immediately give the bitch the Are you trying to sell me mayonnaise look, so she immediately locates the tester and puts some on her hand to illustrate what malleable molding paste is really is. (Hint: After rigorous taste testings, we can confirm malleable molding paste isn't actually mayonnaise.)

Malleable molding paste has the weirdest viscosity ever: it separates like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, but then rolls off your finger and evaporates into thin air. Seriously! The sales lady didn't even wipe her hands after showing me the malleable molding paste. The thought of leaving gel on your hands normally makes me want to vomit. But not this time! Shit literally disappeared. It was cool.

Now that we are extremely off topic (trust, the reason I derive pleasure from malleable molding paste has nothing to do with its chemical makeup), I'll explain why I get such a kick out of this gel. The reason is quite simple: this tub of gel is designed so nicely! If you haven't already noticed, I'm a huge fan of black-on-white typeface. And I'm an even bigger fan of the sporadic use of highlighter yellow. It's like some psychotic hair gel student actually read what's on the label and highlighted the good parts. You know I'm always down for a good study guide!

So not only does Kiehl's malleable molding paste help me mold my hair in an Ew, I have mayonnaise in my hair type way, but it also gives me something that's totally pleasing to look at.

Literally I can't stop starring at it. I decided to unplug the alarm clock on my nightstand and replace it with this tub of gel. If anyone asks, I'll tell them I take the "bed head" look very seriously. But we all know it's just because this beautifully-designed tub makes living in a shit hole a bit more tolerable.