I Mostly Just Need to Unpack My Suitcases

I can transport things, but also get in the way.

Rush Week is a pleasant week. Nothing about this week is really, really life or death. It's sort of like being on a reality tv show for a week. (Both because it's bad for my liver, and because it's like MTV's  The Gauntlet.)

The only real problem with Rush Week is my inability to perform normal life tasks. Like unpacking my luggage, for example. And this problem is compounded by my room's small size. It's not like living out of a suitcase - it's like living in a suitcase. Now I know how dead bodies feel! (Pay no attention to this graph's factual inconsistencies.) 

Sometimes, when I stumble in at night time, I trip and fall into my suitcases. But don't get nervous: my suitcases are basically just receptacles of black hooded sweatshirts, so falling into them is sort of enjoyable. As a matter of fact, I'm now thinking about trading in my mattress for a bed of black sweatshirts. It'd be so comfortable! And fashionable! And probably something American Apparel would stand behind.

I'm Pretty Sure the Golden Globes are in Poor Taste, Not Ricky Gervais

While perusing the blogs, I keep coming across stories about Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes. Everyone seems to be talking about whether Mr. Ricky "crossed the line" and stuff. I don't think he really crossed the line.

Mr. Ricky was hired to host a televised award show. What else should a host do besides make fun of the people winning awards? Compliment them? Hell no! Winning the award should be compliment enough. Knowing that millions of Americans would watch you put on lip gloss should be compliment enough. America gives you three more hours of screen time on top of the time we gave you to prance around on television and film. Us Americans give you actors so much! It's only fitting that we let a Brit take something back from you. We earned the right to have a laugh at you.

Charlie Sheen: Keep up the good work!

And here's a thought, HFP: If you don't like a crude emcee, or if you can't find a way to make continually praising and awarding actors and stuff entertaining, then don't televise the damn award show. Then this shit can be as boring and effusive as you want, and you won't have to worry about ratings and broadcasting deals. Hell, you won't even have to worry about renting out the Beverly Hilton Hotel because nobody will end up showing up! People only come to drink and get screen time anyway.

So basically, I have no pity for the Hollywood Foreign Press because if it didn't feel the need to broadcast the award ceremony, then it wouldn't need an entertaining emcee. So this agony is all self-inflicted. And one time I saw Ricky Gervais at a restaurant, so him and I are basically blood brothers. You have to defend your blood brother.

Why It's Always Best to Just Laugh Politely Instead

The following conversation transpired while Nino, a barber, cut my hair at some typical salon place in Woodbury.

Nino: Maybe I should shave your initials into the side of your head!

Nino: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Me: Ha...

[Nino stops cutting my hair and looks at me blankly]

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Nino resumes cutting my hair]

Martha Stewart Controls Some Things, but Not Everything

Have you seen that sad picture of Martha Stewart with nine stitches across her upper lip? Apparently, one of her many fancy lady dogs came at her when she went to bid the dog adieu.

I find this situation surprising. For my professional blogging career (HAHAHA), I keep tabs on Martha Stewart and all of her domestic doings. She keeps a home in East Hampton, and usually publishes photographs of it on her own blog. Well, her "Social Medial Assistant" publishes all of these photographs, but that's besides the point. The essence of Martha Stewart publishes photographs of her East Hampton home, and how well-kept it is, and also of her Katonah farm, and how organized and well-kept it is, and of her farm animals, and how organized and well-kept they are.

Like this one time, Martha's Social Media Assistant posted photographs of a Holiday party Martha's Holiday Party Assistant threw at the Katonah farm. To add punch to the table settings, Martha had life-size ducks and geese and other barn animals all posing and stuff. Martha's party guests assumed these were fake animals, but I'm nearly certain they were real animals that Martha trained to hold fanciful poses for extended periods of time. Martha gives the animals insider trading tips, and these animals listen! Martha's good at controlling animals and situations that way.

So to review, Martha's able to lead this perfectly civilized and orderly life in some ways, but when it comes to the actual bitches in her life (not the ones she hires), she's just like the rest of us! Well, except that her Social Media Assistant had to photograph and document the entire ordeal for Martha's fans. (Oh, and then Tweet at TMZ for illegally using those photographs.)

Today at Work I Made a Social Media Rap

This is a transcript from a Gchat conversation* between me and Emmy. It pretty much sums up how we spent our summer internships.

Ian: p,.s. i just tweeted

  lol

  AHAHHAHAH

  i was reading some article about ti and it inspired me to

  get my T on

2:19 PM me: i get my tweet on

  all day long

  haha

 Ian: haha

  i feel liek we have a new rap song in the making

 me: it's huge in my possee

 Ian: " i get my tweet on while carrying my carry-on"

  "i get my tweet on at the hair salon"

  "i get my tweet on while eating wong tongs"

2:20 PM me: i get my tweet on with don juan

 Ian: i get my tweet on when the lights go on

  i get my tweet on while watching billy boy thorTON

 me: i get my tweet on in jamaica, mon

 Ian: AHAH yessss

2:21 PM bill bob* btw

 me: i get my tweet on makin lists of pro and con

 Ian: ig et my tweet on while sleeping on a futton

 me: i get my tweet on sipping that bopurbon

2:22 PM Ian: hahahahah

  in addition to don perrion

 me: one of my bosses jsut called me over and i got kind of nervous that she was watching me gchat rampantly, but it was actually because she had desserts

  haha

 Ian: ahahahahah

2:23 PM i get my tweet on when my boss is long gone

 me: i get my tweet on while monitoring enron

 Ian: AAAAHaah

2:24 PM me: i get my tweet on pencilin in scantron

 Ian: we must record these some where

 me: thank god gchats never disappear

 Ian: the end can be

  "you don't get your tweet on bc u is just a moron"

2:25 PM me: YES

  let's keep brainstorming now

 Ian: this has youtube hit written all overi t

 me: and then when i have an awakward window of free time

  i will make i rain

 Ian: ahahahahh

  i get my tweet on with boy genuius jimmy neutron

2:26 PM i get my tweet on when i feel negative and need some protons

  (etc)

  haha

2:28 PM me: i get my tweet on at bistro citron

2:29 PM Ian: idk why we r so alcoholic but...i get my tweet on..hey lil' jon pass the patron

2:30 PM i get my tweet on when my allergies act up and i take clarion

 me: i get my tweet on in alcoholic anon

 Ian: HAbahba

 me: i get my tweet on in au bon pain

2:31 PM cuz in A-B-P we go tweeetweeet

 Ian: i get my tweet on at group dinners at hunan

  i get my tweet on because three yr olds have never used CD-ROMs

2:33 PM me: i get my tweet on eating mexican flan

2:34 PM Ian: opening line: "i get my tweet on and here's why i made this song"

25 minutes

3:00 PM me: i get my tweet on eating a bon bon

3:02 PM Ian: omg its pourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

 me: the clouds hur look ominous

3:07 PM Ian: last day of worrkr tmrwww

 me: fo serious?

 Ian: yayayayag

  yayah*

 me: i end next friday

  the 7th

3:08 PM Ian: haha iw ant to get out asap

*Because I don't know how to recall old Gchats, Emmy sent this to me. So "me" is really Emmy, and Ian is obviously me. Confused yet?

Song Titles Can Also Make Conversations

I don't know if this applies to your music library, but in my music library, clusters of song titles can make silly little conversations. This really only works when my music is sorted alphabetically. Here are some fun ones:

Me: This stuff goes Right Round.
You: No, it goes Right Above It.
Me: No, you're wrong too. It actually goes Right Through You.
You: Well, if you really want to think of it that way, it does go Right Through Me.

Artists involved: Flo Rida, Lil Wayne ft. Drake, Alanis Morissette, Nicki Minaj

Me: Here's the thing: Your Love. I can't stop thinking about it.
Me: Like, Your Love's a Drug.
Me: Better yet, Your Love's My Drug.

Artists involved: Nicki Minaj, Leighton Meester (ew!), Ke$ha

Me: So like, Who Will Survive in America?
Me: But like, Who am I Living For?
You: It depends, Who Do You Think You Are?
Me: Does it matter? Who Wants to Be Alone?
Me: Gosh, you're filled with questions. Who Knew?

Artists involved: Kanye West, Katy Perry, Spice Girls, Tiesto ft. Nelly Furtado, P!nk

Me: What's Ur Name?
Me: What's My Name?
Me: Welcome to The 60's.

Artists involved: Janet, Rihanna ft. Drake, Hairspray

Me: I'm going for a Ride.
You: Can I Ride It, too?
Me: Nah, I'm Ridin' Solo.
You: But I really need a Ride to California.
Me: So go get a Rental Car.

Artists involved: Ciara ft. Ludacris, Geri Halliwell, Jason Derulo, Paper Tongues, Beck

Well Now I Know the Plot of 'Swan Lake'

Sitting through the Black Swan with A and J was a real trip.

I'd like to give you a taste of how jumpy these two girls were. Remember the scene where Nina's mom cuts her nails? My two viewing buddies FLIPPED out. Don't you girls get your nails done on the reg? Haven't you used scissors before? Why is this scene producing so much anxiety? Good hygiene is apparently a touchy subject.

I'd like to provide more similar anecdotes, but I can't. You see, once the movie really took off (took off, like took flight, like what birds do, like what swans do) none of us really watched it. We took my scarf, unraveled it, and then draped it across all of our faces. We essentially paid $11.50 a pop to watch the backside of my musty old scarf for 35+ minutes.

Anyway, the picture was truly moving, and Ms. Natalie deserves all the bread crumbs in the world. And Mila deserves an award for Most Likely to Play Herself in Any Film or Television Production (that is, if she can beat out Jennifer Aniston).

Oh, and also, while driving home, I wrote the lyrics to a remix of Firework:

Baby you're a Black Swan,
Go on put your crown on.
Gotta make 'em appla-a-aud,
As you swim across the po-po-ond.